Do you sometimes feel like you're not being who you really are? That you're being all sorts of things for other people, and nothing for you?
Do any of these roles sound familiar? Super mum/ breadwinner dad/ hardest working employee/ best boss/ A-grades daughter/ sports champion son/ dutiful child/ sacrificial parent/ host-with-the-most/ community hero/ volunteer star/ best friend to all/ any combination of the above/ [fill in your own identities here _____________]. Do they weigh you down? Do you feel lost under the layers of masks you wear to try and make other people happy, but don't quite feel like you? Would you like to rediscover who you really are? If so, ask "If I were me, who would I be?" What if being you was more than just fine? What if it was wonderful and exactly what your family, home, office, communities, and the world needs?
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Has someone, sometime, somewhere sold you the idea you can't be something?
Did they tell you that you're not clever/ pretty/ thin/ tall/ strong/ handsome/ rich/ creative/ healthy/ hardworking/ tenacious/ talented/ [fill in your own limitation here ______________] enough to do what you'd like to do? What if it weren't true? Just because something says something about you, does that make it true? Only if you agree. So if you're feeling limited, ask "What have I decided I can't be?" This will help you see and unlock the doors to anything you have decided it is not possible to be. What if there was nothing wrong with you? What's right about you that you're not getting? What decisions have you made about who or what you must be? A doctor, lawyer, public servant, part of the family business, father/mother, a good child, what else? Have you decided that to be anything else is to be less than?
Were they your ideas? Or someone else's? Whatever reasons you may have given yourself, decisions with only limit you. You've decided, so you can't change it, even if it's no longer working for you. Questions on the other hand will help you see possibilities you might not have been willing or able to see before. Questions will empower you to choose consciously what you'd really like. So if you'd like to create the life you'd really enjoy, the world you'd prefer to live in, ask "What have I decided I must be?" followed by "If I could choose anything, who and what would I be?" and then "What action can I take?" You may choose exactly the same as you are now. Or you may not. In either case, the choice will be consciously yours, so how will you feel about it? The same or different? How often do you feel tired at study, work, or home simply because you're 'tired of it'? You've had enough.
Think of 3 o'clock on Friday afternoon and you're winding down at work. Do you start to feel tired? What happens then at 5 o'clock when you meet your friends for drinks, dinner, chatting, dancing or watching sport? Do you still feel tired? Or do you come to life and have boundless energy? What is that? Is it the fun factor? Could fun be enough to keep you energised? So when you start to feel tired ask "Am I tired or bored?" Then ask "What could I add to my study/ work/ business/ relationship/ life that would make it more fun?" and add that. Is someone giving you hell? No matter what you do or say, you're always wrong? Perhaps you really did do something less than bright, and they're coming down on you hard?
How do you respond? Do you try to justify your actions and prove that you're not wrong and are doing your best? Does that work? Even if you really did nothing wrong, do people believe you and make your life easy? If you'd like to vacuum up all the bad feelings and start again, do this: first acknowledge the other person's point of view. Say "You're right. I'm wrong" three times, naturally in various ways. Then ask "What can I do to make up for the damage I've done?" Check your energy matches thewords. Sarcastic or angry energy won't work. The magic is in the energy of allowance and vulnerability. When you are willing to give up your points of view about being right, then you are free to create new possibilities. At the very least, this will difficult people them off your back, so you can get on with the fun of living. Yes. I know this is not a question. Sometimes no question will make it stop. So try this instead.
Some people love to fight. Do you? Some will fight to the death to prove the rightness of their point of view. Some just like to fight for the fun of it. In either case, will anything you say or do change their mind and resolve the fight? Do you ever see the insanity of an argument and try to stop it or change it with well considered and logical arguments? Does it ever work? Or do you get more frustrated, tangled and drawn into the fight? If you don't enjoy arguing and would like to move beyond the with to new possibilities, smile and say "You're right. I'm wrong" three times. You're not agreeing the other person is right. You're acknowledging their right to their point of view, and you are being in allowance of them not seeing yours. The words are easy. The energy behind the words might take practice. Saying these words sarcastically or angrily will not work. Your energy must be of complete allowance. Will they work? Next time someone wants a fight, use them and find out. How do you function in life? From the give and take, mustn't be selfish, must-be-responsible / do-my-duties / fulfill-my-obligations / do-what-I'm-told standard operating procedure of this reality?
Is that fun? And do you really give it your best? Or do you engage half-heartedly and do the least you can get away with? Would you prefer to enjoy wholeheartedly every interaction you have with the world? If so, start here. Ask yourself, are you willing to nurture and care for you? Are you willing to let go of everything you think you have to be or do that other people tell you is real and important? Are you willing to see your talents and abilities? Are you willing to gift and receive freely, with no expectation of what it means? Are you willing to be the contribution you are by being you? Then ask “What contribution could I be?” What if by choosing for you and freeing yourself from the confines of other's must be/ do/ haves, you were able to be and contribute all and more of you. Is that being selfish? How well do people understand you? Are you frustrated that no one gets you? Not even - or especially - your friends, family or insignificant other?
How often do people listen to your point of view? Or are they usually focused on their own points of view about what you should be or do, telling you that it's for your own good. (Is it really for your own good, or is it simply because it suits them))? And how willing are you to tell others what you require or desire? A lot, a little, or not at all? When did you decide that you couldn't ask for things for you? How many people have told you that choosing for you is selfish (so just do what they tell you, for them)? Truth, can you contribute to anyone else if you don't first wholly contribute to you? So ask “What am I unwilling to ask for, that if I did ask for and receive it would be a greater contribution to me and my communities than I could possibly imagine?” What if you could change the world by choosing for you? Suffering? In pain? Frustrated? Someone doing you wrong? Rather than going into the no good, wrong, trauma and drama default, ask “What's funny about this I'm not getting?”
For example, have you ever tried to tell someone something SO AMAZING that you had just found out and that had changed your life, and you just wanted to tell everyone because you knew it would change their lives too? Did they call you a looney and laugh at you? Did you try every-which-way to explain, again and again, until you started doubting yourself? What if instead of making yourself wrong, you laughed at yourself being hung out to dry like a rubber chicken? What's funny? Um rubber chicken...I mean a rubber chicken says nothing and makes people laugh. Or maybe you're in a relationship that's on a wash cycle of wring-your-heart-dry? What's funny about that? Gotta be something. Even if it's to laugh at yourself for pushing the same old wring-me-out-now button and expecting a different result. Cute, Not Bright. What's great about laughing? It boosts your oxygen and feel-good body bits and kicks you out of the self-pity spiral. And did you know that joy and happiness can be *infectious*? Then when you've done, or while you're still laughing, you get to make another choice. Are you willing to see more of life's funny side and choose for you? Do you sometimes do things that, well, just don't work out? In fact, you create complete rubbish?
When you do this, do you default to how bad, wrong, terrible and awful you are? Yes, you're a failure, just like they always said you were. How does that feel? Does it help you at all? Probably not. So what if instead, you acknowledged that you can be an awesome creator of rubbish? Say "Gee, I'm cute, but not bright!" Then laugh and ask "What's right about this I'm not getting?" and "What else is possible?" If you can create magnificent rubbish, you can undoubtedly create magnificent magnificence too. You just have to ask and take notice. What's the value of making yourself wrong anyway? It's much more fun to be Cute, Not Bright. Are you frustrated or upset by anyone in your life? Is someone driving you crazy? Are they too loud, too bossy, too flaky, too up-down-turn-around, too...add your pet peeve here.
Would you like more ease in your life when you're around them, assuming you have to, or would like to be around them? If so, ask “What am I grateful to them for?” and acknowledge them for that. There will always be at least one thing, if not more. Parents who drive you nuts, and are always there to help you with your kids. A friend who is predictably unpredictable, and has shown you people function differently. A lover who picks insane fights, and is great at....um....other things. When you acknowledge someone for who they are, and are grateful for their great bits, you are free and empowered to make the most of the great bits, without being at the effect of the rest. If you have something in your life you've been trying to change continually to no effect, ask "What do I love about this?"
How willing are you to change or let go of things you love? Not much? Not at all? Are you ever distracted by a fear that you will never have it again. For example, a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all? When something is not working for you, first get clear on what parts of it you love. Then you can ask other questions like "What would it take for me to find something else that would be an even greater contribution to my life?" and "What would it take for the parts of this that are not working for me, to change into something greater than I could imagine?" When you become clear what you love about something – and are willing to let it go, or demand that it change – you will no longer be weighed down by it. Instead, you will have the freedom to choose it, or not choose it. The reality is, you always have choice. Do you find you other people are always telling you what to do, things that you'd rather not do, and convince you to give up the things you prefer?
Other people will always try to get you to do things, using obligation and guilt to control you. Why? It makes their lives easier, and you usually do what they tell you to, so why not? Listening to other people's points of view can be useful. You can learn a great deal. And did you know that when you don't feel light and wonderful about a request or demand, you don't have to do it? Next time someone asks/tells you to do something, first ask yourself "Does this work for me?" If it light light and breezy, then go ahead and do it. And if not, smile and with a light, joyful energy say “Thank you so much for thinking of me! Great idea! It doesn't work for me right now. What will it take for you to find someone to get it done? Then smile again and change the subject. You are stating a fact about which no one can argue (it doesn't work for you right now). Don't offer a reason or excuse; these only allow the conversation to continue. If people push you, smile again and say “I'm sorry, it doesn't work for me. It's an interesting idea and I'm sure other people will be keen." And if that still doesn't work, smile and walk away/hang up/delete/block/ whatever it takes until your lightness returns. What do you do when things don't fit into the form and structure you've decided your life must have? When things vary or change? Like now, for example. Old normal gone. Enter 'new normal.'
Do you say “Oh that's interesting. It's different! It's something I never thought about! I wonder how much fun we can have? I wonder what new better and beyond normal can I help create?” Or do you react with upset and say “This is strange/crazy/stupid. If they only did it this way life would be better! OMG how can I put up with this?” How much stress or unhappiness do you have because you've decided things have to be a particular way? If you'd like less stress and more happiness in your life, ask "What if form and structure had no significance?" Then
How? Ask more questions. There's a bunch here www.thedailyq.co you can start with. Do you like helping people? Is is important to you? What is it about helping people you enjoy? Do you feel worthy? Does it make you feel valued and valuable? Do you want to save them from something?
What don't you enjoy? Are you frustrated when you give your best to someone but they don't seem to want it or appreciate it? Are you shocked or saddened when friends and family get angry or upset at you when you're simply trying to help them? Do you find that no matter how much you help people, some simply never seem to change? There is nothing wrong with wanting to help people. It's awesome. Empowering people to know they can change anything in their lives is a gift. Just know that even when you do your best, people will choose what they choose, and it's got nothing to do with you. People choose what they do because somewhere, somehow, they like it. If you'd like to get clear about why and how you can help people with greater ease ask “What's the value of helping people?” What if rather than being distracted by trying to help people who simply don't want your help, you asked "What other action could I take to create the changes I'd like?" How much do you put off doing? How much do you not do all because you think you won't succeed? How often do you end up doing something less than you'd like as a result?
What do hesitation and fear contribute to your life? Is there any value in having them? Or are they simply distractions that keep you from creating what you'd truly like? If you'd like to be free from their control to create the relationships, work, business, life and change you'd really like, ask “What would I do if I knew I couldn't fail?” This will clear such distractions so you see what you'd really like to choose. Then ask "What action can I take?" Are you willing to have that much freedom? How often have you shared your excitement with someone about something, only to have them pour cold water over you saying things like “Really? You do know that's crazy...?” or “You did WHAT? Don't you know it's not going to work because of A, B C...Z?”, and even“OMG how STUPID could you be???!!!”
How was that? Not much fun? What happened to your excitement and joy? Did you start doubting yourself, thinking that you really must be stupid? And definitely wrong? Just because someone else doesn't get it, doesn't mean you don't. What if you knew a whole lot more than most people? At least you know what's right and light for you. How would anyone else know that? So when you are enjoying yourself or have a great new idea, remind yourself you know that you know. And say “Just for me, just for fun, never tell anyone.”who-can-i-smile-at-today.html And if you do share your joy with someone and they don't get it, smile and thank them for their interesting point of view. Then return to your fun and excitement. What if that could change the world? Do you feel your life is too full, too busy? Are you overwhelmed with all the things you have to do? Or perhaps it bores you?
Do you assume that to make life easier you need to eliminate something? How often do you start by cutting out the things you enjoy, to do something for someone else? Rather than assume you need to do more with less, that you can't afford something, that no one will help you, and you certainly shouldn't enjoy yourself when 'things need to be done,' start by asking “What else could I add to my life?” For example, what if you added a partner, assistant, cleaner, driver, advisor, or asked your spouse, children, parents, friends, employees, boss, technology to do more (or something!)? Perhaps you've started a new project, or have a new target you'd like to reach, or surpass?. What information/joy/playfulness/support/else could you add to your life to help generate this with ease, or something greater? What if simply sprinkling a smile here and there throughout your day created more than you could possibly imagine? Are you stuck? Is something or someone not working out the way you'd like? Or perhaps you'd just prefer to generate something even better in your life?
Whenever you'd like to create change, start by asking a question. Any question. Why? A question creates an opening for something that you might not have been able, or willing to see before, to come into view. A question also empowers you to shift out from wherever you're been stuck. . An answer, decision, conclusion, or judgement serves only to limit your field of vision and disempower you. This is the aim of The Daily Q; providing you a bunch of the simplest, most effective questions within easy reach. So today's question is for when you have a brain freeze and can't think of a question. Ask yourself “What question could I ask here?” It's so simple it might even make you smile, which is always good too. Do you know people who sometimes say or do not-nice things. Maybe you have some in your social media comments feed right now?
Does this upset you and leave you scratching your head, wondering why they would do or say that? Does it distract you from what you'd rather be doing? Are they an ELF or a rattlesnake? An ELF is an evil little freak (or other word starting with F) who simply enjoys being mean for fun. While nature has designed rattlesnakes to bite you whenever they feel threatened. That's just what they are. When you make them wrong and get sucked into the trauma and drama of what they do, they are controlling your life. As long as you see them for what they are, in total allowance, you are empowered. Total allowance means you appreciate them as an ELF or rattlesnake. That's just who they are. Then if you like, you are free to enjoy their great parts. So when people like this show up in your life, ask yourself “Truth, is this an ELF or a rattlesnake?” This will remind you that no matter what they say or do, it has nothing to do with you, and you don't need to buy it as real. And remember, you when you recognise them, you can also choose to smile and walk away/hang up/delete/remove them from your life. How much of what you do everyday is driven by your desire to be acknowledged and validated?
Are you always seeking someone's approval, consciously or unconsciously? Do you ever get it? Probably not as often as you'd like. And how often to people shout or laugh at you, telling you you're wrong and a stupid idiot? And what then? Do you try even harder to be seen? If this is not fun and you find you're doing things you don't really enjoy, hoping to please someone else, ask“What if I didn't need to prove myself to anyone?” What if you were absolutely awesome just as you are and did not need anyone else to approve you? Would that make life easier and more fun? Has someone been angry with you recently? Called you names for something you said or did?
How did you react? Did you start thinking you were stupid or wrong? Or perhaps you responded with your own anger? Did any of that work out for you? If not, ask "What about this anger am I grateful for?" There is always something. For example, what was their anger was trying to do? Control you? Distract you from something? Shut you down? Or maybe it was a mechanism for distracting them from something going on in their world and really had nothing to do with you? Once you become aware of someone's anger, you can choose to keep it in your life or not. If you'd like them in your life you can say "This anger doesn't work for me. Does it work for you? Would you like to change it?" If they say yes, great, there is an invitation for change. If not, then at least you know and you get to choose for you. If you prefer not to have them in your life, genuinely thank them for their interesting point of view, smile and walk away/hang up/delete/remove them from your contact list. This question will help you step out of the autopilot of reacting to anger, which will only serve to distract you from creating the life you'd really like. To change something, first get clear on exactly what you 'd like to change by asking “What is this?”
Next ask “Would I like to change it?” To change something, you must truly desire it and be willing to do whatever it takes. Then you can ask “If so, how?” Can you ever change someone else? No. The only thing you can change is you and your points of view. For example, do you get upset and fight back when friends, family or perfect strangers reprimand, bully or gaslight you about something you say or do? How well does that work out? So what else is possible? Great question. When you ask a question, possibilities will show up. For example, in this case you could - walk away and stop talking to them; they can't reprimand, bully or gaslight you if you're not around - put your own points of view away, push all your barriers down, smile and ask them genuine questions about their points of view; you never know, if you ask the right questions with genuine interest they might learn something new...and so might you, or - notice your buttons being pushed and smile; consider your friends, family and even perfect strangers are cute for trying to save you from your idiotic ideas/actions, saying “Thanks so much. Tell me more", then shut up, listen, nod and listen some more till they run out of steam. Remember, just because you listen to their stories, doesn't mean you have to buy them. How many things do you have in your life that don't work for you, that you think you have to be/do/have because someone else said so?
You have to study for that exam, go to that school, study that subject, enter that company, learn that language, marry that person, have that many children, attend that event, vote for that person, put that in your body, follow that rule and so on. How well do you do them? Just because someone else says you need to be/do/have something is a good idea, will it always work out well for you? Who is the one person who does know what will work for you and what is true for you? YOU. Only you know if something works for you. It feels light as a feather. Unlike all the heavy stuff you know doesn't work for you, but you do anyway because you were told to. So if you're not as happy as you'd like to be, start listening and trusting you more by asking "Does this work for me?" Notice whether you feel heavy or light. And if you'd like to change any heaviness, ask "What else is possible?" What would you like to have show up in your life?
A great new job, a successful business, smart staff, more customers, reliable suppliers, an investor, money, greater ease, less stress, better health, more fun? For life to become better than the normal you had before the fear and panic? Something else? Whatever that is, invite it into your life by asking "What's it going to take for X to show up?" Be aware of the specific details of your question. For example, if you ask for the 'perfect job,' you may create a job based on other people's expectations of perfect, including how long and hard you have to work, doing whatever your boss says even if it makes no sense, taking sides in office politics, and so on. So instead, be clear on what you'd like by asking, for example “What's it going to take for [a rewarding job that I enjoy and allows me to extend my talents, with flexible, fun, creative people] to show up, that would contribute to my life more than I can imagine, or something greater?” Make sure that when you ask, you let go of any conclusions you might have made about what it will look like, and how it will show up, and be willing to receive it when it does. You never know what might happen when you ask a question. |
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