To change something, first get clear on exactly what you 'd like to change by asking “What is this?”
Next ask “Would I like to change it?” To change something, you must truly desire it and be willing to do whatever it takes.
Then you can ask “If so, how?”
Can you ever change someone else? No. The only thing you can change is you and your points of view. For example, do you get upset and fight back when friends, family or perfect strangers reprimand, bully or gaslight you about something you say or do? How well does that work out?
So what else is possible? Great question. When you ask a question, possibilities will show up. For example, in this case you could
- walk away and stop talking to them; they can't reprimand, bully or gaslight you if you're not around
- put your own points of view away, push all your barriers down, smile and ask them genuine questions about their points of view; you never know, if you ask the right questions with genuine interest they might learn something new...and so might you, or
- notice your buttons being pushed and smile; consider your friends, family and even perfect strangers are cute for trying to save you from your idiotic ideas/actions, saying “Thanks so much. Tell me more", then shut up, listen, nod and listen some more till they run out of steam.
Remember, just because you listen to their stories, doesn't mean you have to buy them.
Something going on in your life that is just not sitting right with you? First get clear on exactly what you are stuck on by asking “What is this?”
Once you are clear on the issue, then you can get clear on whether you really would like to change it or not.
How often have you been unable to change something because somewhere, deep down (or even just under the surface), you really didn't desire change?
If you prefer not to change, that's OK. When you get clear on that, you'll be free from the stress of trying to change something continuously to no effect. Perhaps you thought you needed to change it because someone told you you had to?
On the other hand, if you would like to change something, you can, as long as you're willing to do whatever it takes.
Are you willing? To find out ask “Would I like to change it?”
Whenever you find you can't create the change you'd like, it's because you are unwilling to do or be something.
If you were in a fire or in another emergency, would you freeze with fear? Or would you do what was required to keep everyone safe?
Would you lock yourself down in a panic of tears, waiting for someone to rescue you, hoping they'll be in time? Or would you unleash your own superhero reserves of energy, strength and resilience, sweeping up small children, grandmas and everyone else, carrying them down five flights beyond the flames to safety, in your underwear without fuss?
When you were little, was climbing trees scary or exciting? Was your mum's point of view "Aaagh!!! Get down from there!! Wait!!! I'm coming to help you!'"? And what about now? What do you think you're afraid of? Are you still waiting for your mum to save you?
If you're confused or not sure about what's going on when you have this sensation, ask yourself "Is this fear, or excitement?"
Perhaps you're not afraid, simply excited about a new challenge? And if so, how easily could you help save yourself and others from the fire?
What have you decided you must keep being/ doing/ having, no matter what? You made a decision, so you'll stick to it even if it kills you. After all, that's the right way to live, isn't it?
Maybe. Or would you prefer another option to killing yourself to prove you're right?
What if instead, you created your life by consciously choosing things that contributed to your life in ways you enjoy?
How? Ask “If I had 10 seconds to live the rest of my life, what would I choose?”
This is not about making random changes for change's sake. The question is designed to remind you what science says: this is a free-will universe and you have choice.
You may end up choosing the same thing continuously every 10 seconds, as long as it works.
And if one day it doesn't, you'll know and you can choose something else that does.
How many things do you have in your life that don't work for you, that you think you have to be/do/have because someone else said so?
You have to study for that exam, go to that school, study that subject, enter that company, learn that language, marry that person, have that many children, attend that event, vote for that person, put that in your body, follow that rule and so on. How well do you do them?
Just because someone else says you need to be/do/have something is a good idea, will it always work out well for you?
Who is the one person who does know what will work for you and what is true for you?
YOU. Only you know if something works for you. It feels light as a feather. Unlike all the heavy stuff you know doesn't work for you, but you do anyway because you were told to.
So if you're not as happy as you'd like to be, start listening and trusting you more by asking "Does this work for me?"
Notice whether you feel heavy or light. And if you'd like to change any heaviness, ask "What else is possible?"
What would you like to have show up in your life?
A great new job, a successful business, smart staff, more customers, reliable suppliers, an investor, money, greater ease, less stress, better health, more fun? For life to become better than the normal you had before the fear and panic? Something else?
Whatever that is, invite it into your life by asking "What's it going to take for X to show up?"
Be aware of the specific details of your question. For example, if you ask for the 'perfect job,' you may create a job based on other people's expectations of perfect, including how long and hard you have to work, doing whatever your boss says even if it makes no sense, taking sides in office politics, and so on.
So instead, be clear on what you'd like by asking, for example “What's it going to take for [a rewarding job that I enjoy and allows me to extend my talents, with flexible, fun, creative people] to show up, that would contribute to my life more than I can imagine, or something greater?”
Make sure that when you ask, you let go of any conclusions you might have made about what it will look like, and how it will show up, and be willing to receive it when it does. You never know what might happen when you ask a question.
Have you been asking questions but things don't seem to be changing in the way you'd hoped?
What sort of questions are you asking? Do they sound like this “What do you know about X?” or “What's it going to take for people to get that I know all about X and recognise my worth?”
Are these really questions?
Or are they conclusions with question marks attached?
In other words, you've decided what you want (to tell people about X), and that without people listening to you about X you have no worth.
So if you're not getting the change you'd truly like, check your questions. Ask “Is this a question, or is it a statement with a question mark attached?” (also known as "Am I being a superior asshole?")
Then ask a real question.
Are you bored, unexcited or simply uninspired with your study or work? Perhaps you've been doing something because you decided it was a good career choice, a noble cause, a higher purpose, or just because you've always done it? You'd be crazy to give it up; you'd let everyone down, right?
What about your relationships? Do you spend time with people simply because you work with, they've been friends forever, they're family, or you're worried they'll be upset if you don't?
And life in general, how's that going? If you've been feeling a little (or a lot) flat of late, start by asking “Who and what truly excites and inspires me?”
Then whatever comes to mind, choose that. See how it works out. Ask the question again. Repeat following the energy of whatever and whomever excites and inspires you.
In other words, rather than doing something begrudgingly because you think it is 'right' (for whom?) or expected (by whom?), what if you were excited and inspired by what you did everyday, and by everyone around you?
Would your life ever be tiresome or hard, even when sudden disruptions or restrictions are thrown in your way? And what amazing contribution could you be to the world, by doing wholeheartedly what you love, rather than half-heartedly what you think you should?
Do you find yourself behaving in way that is, well, not quite you?
Like getting really cranky, crying like a madwoman, throwing a floor-fist-banging tantrum, being distracted by a pointless fight with some faceless idiot online, or otherwise doing something you know is crazy and not you, but you can't seem to help it?
What if it wasn't you? To find out, ask “Who am I being now?”
We pick up all sorts of stuff from those around us, from our parents, teachers, friends and pretty much everyone. This question is designed to remind you that maybe it really isn't you.
Then you can ask “If I were me, who would I be?”
If you're a parent, try it with your kids. Are they mad as hell or being a drama queen?
Ask them gently without heat “Who are you being now?” Don't be surprised if they reply “YOU!!”
Then ask “If you were you, who would you be?” and listen. At the very least it might crinkle their universe and stop the drama spiral for a second or two. At best, their whole life might change.
Are you addicted to organising everything around you, designing the perfect system, keeping the perfect house, sticking to the ultimate schedule, or something else?
Do you get irritated - even downright cranky - when the ducks don't line up and the kittens don't herd? Does your blood pressure rise when something flies in from out of the blue and destroys your carefully constructed order?
If so, and you'd prefer to avoid bursting a blood vessel, ask yourself "What if I created my life from chaos?"
Consider nature, where the most highly functional and efficient systems exist in apparent chaos. Like flowers and bees. In nature, do flowers grow in neatly ordered rows? No. Myriads of flowers flourish randomly wherever they can. And yet bees easily find the kind that suits them (bees are not all the same you know), pollinate them, and contribute elegantly and powerfully to the cycle of life.
This is not to suggest you create random, artificial chaos. Simply that even if things appear messy, you need not be the effect of them if you can see where to collect the pollen.
Are you willing to be aware of the flowers regardless of any apparent chaos that comes your way?
How often do you feel trapped in a no-choice universe? Feeling that right now?
When did your parents, teachers, bosses, co-workers, friends, children, community leaders, governments and everyone sell you the idea that you have no choice but to do what they tell you?
What is that for you? To study a subject you hate, take a job you're not interested in, break off a great relationship, marry a person you don't really like, be available to everyone for everything 24/7, subject yourself to something you'd prefers to avoid, consider everyone but you an expert? What else?
Guess what? You always have a choice. Infinite choices in fact. This is a free will universe.
So remind yourself. Next time you feel trapped ask "What choices do I have?"
Then notice whatever possibility feels lightest and ask more questions about what it would take for you to create that as your life.
Of course, it may end up being exactly what the other people were telling you to choose in the first place.
But you'll feel differently about it because it was your choice.
Do you love to read and research trying to make sense of the world, or to seek the truth about what is best for you and yours?
Are you excited when you uncover a new piece of information? Sometimes do you find your sense of excitement, lightness and possibility growing heavy? Maybe you experience this light-heavy-light-heavy cycle continuously?
Remember that what's true for you always makes you lighter and a lie for you always makes you heavy.
So what is it when you sense the heaviness of a lie, and yet the issue plays on around and around in your head, keeping your attention? If you'd like to find out, next time this happens when reading an article, watching a video, or having a conversation with someone, ask yourself "Is this a truth with a lie attached?"
If you feel a lightness, then ask "What part of this is true?" (it will feel lighter) and "What part of this is a lie, spoken or unspoken?" (it will feel heavy).
These questions can help you pick your way through the myriad stories on sale without you being compressed into a solid block of granite.
How light would you be if you could pull apart all the stories with ease, and know clearly what's light for you, rather than feeling like you have to buy the whole bundle and then tie yourself up with reasons and justifications for doing so?
Better still, what if next time you find yourself about to tumble down a rabbit hole or into someone's trauma and drama, you simply choose lightness? Go outside and play with the kids/pets/partner, have a sleep, do some gardening, watch a funny movie, ANYTHING that is light for you.
How much of everything we hear is part true and part a lie? What could you create as your life if you considered it all an interesting point of view?
Much gratitude again to Dr Dain Heer for this one.
How often do you limit your choices – before you even consider them – by concluding that other people won't approve?
Do you ever say something like “My husband/wife/partner wouldn't agree”, “My parents wouldn't like it” or even “No one else does that, so what would everyone think of me?”
Is worrying about what other people think one of the main reasons you give for not doing something?
What if you took other people out of the equation so you could see what you'd really like to choose?
If you'd like to find out, ask yourself “If other people's points of view weren't real – if everything were just an interesting point of view – what would I choose?”
How many of the world's great science, social, cultural, business and other innovations and discoveries have come from people doing what they loved, and knowing what was right for them, no matter what other people thought was real, true, or possible?
What could be possible for you if you listened more to you?
Do you ever think yourself into a knotty ball of confusion? Listing pros and cons, researching 'true' and 'false,' collecting background info to analyse to death from all angles, trying to figure out what to do? To get it RIGHT. Whether it's which subject to study, job to choose, car to buy, relationship to pursue, or what choice to make about you and your family's health?
Do you enjoy this process? Is it as fast and easy as you'd like? How does it usually work out?
If you don't enjoy it and would prefer a faster, easier – and dare I say it more reliable for you – approach, next time you find yourself embarking on a thought journey into the abyss ask “If I didn't think about this, what would I know?”
You know those moments when you just know something? It feels right and light to you, even though others think you're crazy?
Only you can really know what is right for you. Are you willing to trust you more? Life might become a whole lot easier.
Are you stuck in a non-productive cycle of right/wrong/right/wrong or true/fake/true/fake with someone?
Can you see the precise disconnect between you and the other person, and how the situation could improve so simply and easily if you both considered the other's interesting point of view?
Truth, can you ever change anyone else?
No. The only thing you can change is YOU.
YOU are the only one that can cut your mobius strip of conflict.
Are you willing to stop hanging on to your point of view that you can change someone? Sometimes change is possible only when you let things go.
So if you'd like to extract yourself from a cycle of struggle, ask “What could I be doing differently that would contribute to the change I desire?”
Remember when you were a child and every day was an adventure? When your To Do list something like this: wake up, have fun, go to bed...maybe, or just fall asleep mid-play?
Does your life still have that energy? Or is your To Do list now more like: drag myself out of bed, do what I have to, work and drink too much, and fall into bed...with a social media few rants in between?
Would you like to reclaim the energy of your child?
Rather than resigning yourself to being weighed down by responsibilities and perceived limitations, what if you embraced life as an exciting adventure?
If so, wake up every morning and acknowledge you're in charge of creating your day by asking “Who am I today and what grand and glorious adventures can I have?”
When you start each day like this, will you have the same old study, job, work, business, family, health or money problems and restrictions?
Maybe. Or maybe you'll see new, exciting possibilities that you've never noticed before.
Not having much fun? Is your movement restricted, or you have no job, no social life, and are sinking into the conclusion that you have no future? Is your world full of people telling you to follow the rules and the world as we know it is at an end?
Are you feeling a little heavy?
What if you could contribute to an amazing new future for everyone - including you! - have fun at the same time? Like to find out? If so, ask “What fun could I add to my life?”
It could be anything, large or small. Like learning/creating something randomly new online, going on an adventure into the deep dark depths of your closet and creating space for yourself (great workout too BTW), asking your insignificant other to make you breakfast-in-bed and supervise the kids homeschooling while you sleep in, creating a 'holiday' anywhere different in your available space, or challenging yourself to make up a joke every day over coffee.
What if you did anything that made you smile and feel light? If you already have a little of it, add more.
The point is: take action, create your life every day, and smile. There's no need to stick with one thing forever. If your fun drops off, ask the question again and make another choice.
You'll be amazed at what you can create when you ask. "Fun: am I willing to have more?
Are you smart? Are you aware of everything going on around you in all time, space and dimensions, seeing connections, pasts and futures that no one else can see?
And yet do you find that other people always seem to be talking down to you, explaining and pontificating on things to you, as if you had no idea?
How do you react? Do you nod, smile and think "interesting"? Or do you get annoyed, worked up, and drawn into a meaningless circular argument? Do people ever concede you known what you're talking about?
If not and you'd like greater ease in these situations ask "What if I didn't need to prove I was smart"?
Does trying to prove you're smart mean that you've actually decided you're not? Is that true? Or did you buy that point of view from someone, sometime?
When you try to prove you’re smart, you have to have all the answers. What if your smarts - your awareness - was the thing that could point out where the answers end and the questions begin? What else could be possible then?
Are you just your body? Or are you more?
Does your body do things that you, even science, simply can't explain or replicate, like run your pancreas, get over a cold, or make babies? Could your body be a whole lot smarter about what it needs than you?
How's your body feeling now? 110%, okaaaay, or rubbish? Whatever the case, invite it to tell you what it would like, ask “Body, what do you desire?”
Then LISTEN and give your body what it needs, not what you or anyone else has decided it should have.
What if, by listening more to your body, your aches and pains melted away?
What if listening more closely to your body gave you boundless energy and every cell sung with the vibrant joy of a five-year old?
To gain clarity, ask different questions, like "Body, do you desire more/ less/ different food/ water/ movement/ sleep/ sex/ stress/ other?" Then pay attention to sensations your body gives you, or things that come to mind.
Could this create the physical changes you've been seeking? If you'd like to find out, start an ongoing conversation with your body today, and LISTEN.
Ever heard a story or two million? What about the stories you hear on social media, or the nightly news? Are they true? Are they fake?
How much of story telling is someone trying to get you to do what they want? Or at least confuse you about what is really going on?
What if none of it were real or true? What if all stories were simply interesting points of view?
If you'd like to be free to create your own life as you'd like, ask "What would I choose if I didn't listen to, tell, or buy the story?" Then check in with what feels light to you and choose that.
Repeat. Every time you hear a story - in person, from social media, mainstream media, the government or any other 'authority' or source - ask "What would I choose if I didn't listen to, tell, or buy the story?"
Then check in with what feels light to you and choose that. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat X infinity.
Sure you can enjoy a story for the heck of it. At the end, say “Wow, that was a terrific story! Thank you [for the entertainment]! What an interesting point of view!"
And then ask yourself "What would I choose if I didn't listen to, tell or buy the story?" Check in with what feels light to you and choose that. You get the picture.
Is something going on in your life that has you stuck and unable to take action? For you to be unable to change something, you have to have decided or concluded something about it.
Ask yourself, what have you decided in your life right now that is perfect, or the answer? A relationship? A job? A business? A government strategy?
When you can see your decisions – and are willing to let them go – all change becomes possible.
So when you're stuck and unable to make the changes you'd really like, ask “What decisions, conclusions, and answers have I made about this?”
This does not mean you have to end the relationship, give up on the job/business quest, or become an anti-government activist. Once you are aware of limitations you have created through decisions and conclusions, you can choose to transform them into something else.
Perhaps into even something better than you could have ever imagined. How? Just ask another question, such as "What information do I need?"
Are you confused about something? Is something you're being told not sitting quite right with you? Or perhaps you'd like to create something but keep running into concrete walls?
What if you were simply missing information?
So rather than spiralling into a confusion dilemma ask yourself: What information do I need?" or"Who do I need to speak to?" and pay attention to what comes to mind.
Remember, when information comes your way you can also as "Does this feel light?"
What if by adding missing information, you replaced confusion with clarity, and could then take the action you'd like?
How often do you focus on the problems, the bad, and downright ugly things in life?
Even if your intention is to fix these things, your attention will still be on what you have decided is a problem, bad, or ugly.
What if, instead, you focused on the wonderful, beautiful, phenomenal things in the world, and asked what it would take for more of those to show up?
In other words, rather than limiting yourself to fixing the not-so-great things, what if you invited in more of the good stuff?
If you'd like to retrain yourself to see the wonder of life, every morning when you wake up ask “What beauty can I see today?”
And then keep an eye out and when you see it, say “How did I get so lucky?”
Do you ever feel heat in your chest or pressure on your temples when someone says or does something you don't like? Do you find you can't think clearly, that you get angry or distracted from what you'd really like to do?
If you'd like to be free from the control and distraction of such uncomfortable physical sensations, recognise them as a sign you are in judgement. Then you can shift gear into allowance.
What is allowance? Allowance is where everything is just an interesting point of view and you have total freedom of choice.
Judgement limits you to what you have decided (or someone has told you) is right/wrong, good/bad. It's like being on an automatic pushbutton system of resist/react or agree/align, where you have no freedom of choice.
So next time you have a physical reaction to someone, ask “Am I in allowance or judgement?”
If you find you're in judgement, say “Interesting point of view I have that point of view” and expand outwards and remind yourself “What if I had infinite, free choice?” Depending on what's going on, you might need to repeat this several godzillian times until the heat dissipates.
What if being free from judgement allowed you to create the change you'd really like to see?
What is the point of life? Do you know? Does anyone?
Is it the same for everyone? Have you bought a point of view from someone that doesn't quite seem to fit you?
What if you created your own point of life? Would that work better? What would you choose? Would you choose things that were hard and to be suffered? Or would you choose things that were a delight for you to do?
And who decided you had to choose the no-fun, problem-filled, version of life that many people seem to create, anyway?
Would you like to choose differently? If so, ask “What if the point of life was to have fun?” and then "What action can I take to create that?"
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