If you have something in your life you've been trying to change continually to no effect, ask "What do I love about this?"
How willing are you to change or let go of things you love? Not much? Not at all?
Are you ever distracted by a fear that you will never have it again. For example, a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all?
When something is not working for you, first get clear on what parts of it you love.
Then you can ask other questions like "What would it take for me to find something else that would be an even greater contribution to my life?" and "What would it take for the parts of this that are not working for me, to change into something greater than I could imagine?"
When you become clear what you love about something – and are willing to let it go, or demand that it change – you will no longer be weighed down by it.
Instead, you will have the freedom to choose it, or not choose it. The reality is, you always have choice.
Do you know people who sometimes say or do not-nice things. Maybe you have some in your social media comments feed right now?
Does this upset you and leave you scratching your head, wondering why they would do or say that? Does it distract you from what you'd rather be doing?
Are they an ELF or a rattlesnake? An ELF is an evil little freak (or other word starting with F) who simply enjoys being mean for fun. While nature has designed rattlesnakes to bite you whenever they feel threatened. That's just what they are.
When you make them wrong and get sucked into the trauma and drama of what they do, they are controlling your life.
As long as you see them for what they are, in total allowance, you are empowered. Total allowance means you appreciate them as an ELF or rattlesnake. That's just who they are. Then if you like, you are free to enjoy their great parts.
So when people like this show up in your life, ask yourself “Truth, is this an ELF or a rattlesnake?”
This will remind you that no matter what they say or do, it has nothing to do with you, and you don't need to buy it as real.
And remember, you when you recognise them, you can also choose to smile and walk away/hang up/delete/remove them from your life.
Has someone been angry with you recently? Called you names for something you said or did?
How did you react? Did you start thinking you were stupid or wrong? Or perhaps you responded with your own anger?
Did any of that work out for you? If not, ask "What about this anger am I grateful for?"
There is always something. For example, what was their anger was trying to do? Control you? Distract you from something? Shut you down? Or maybe it was a mechanism for distracting them from something going on in their world and really had nothing to do with you?
Once you become aware of someone's anger, you can choose to keep it in your life or not. If you'd like them in your life you can say "This anger doesn't work for me. Does it work for you? Would you like to change it?"
If they say yes, great, there is an invitation for change. If not, then at least you know and you get to choose for you. If you prefer not to have them in your life, genuinely thank them for their interesting point of view, smile and walk away/hang up/delete/remove them from your contact list.
This question will help you step out of the autopilot of reacting to anger, which will only serve to distract you from creating the life you'd really like.
To change something, first get clear on exactly what you 'd like to change by asking “What is this?”
Next ask “Would I like to change it?” To change something, you must truly desire it and be willing to do whatever it takes.
Then you can ask “If so, how?”
Can you ever change someone else? No. The only thing you can change is you and your points of view. For example, do you get upset and fight back when friends, family or perfect strangers reprimand, bully or gaslight you about something you say or do? How well does that work out?
So what else is possible? Great question. When you ask a question, possibilities will show up. For example, in this case you could
- walk away and stop talking to them; they can't reprimand, bully or gaslight you if you're not around
- put your own points of view away, push all your barriers down, smile and ask them genuine questions about their points of view; you never know, if you ask the right questions with genuine interest they might learn something new...and so might you, or
- notice your buttons being pushed and smile; consider your friends, family and even perfect strangers are cute for trying to save you from your idiotic ideas/actions, saying “Thanks so much. Tell me more", then shut up, listen, nod and listen some more till they run out of steam.
Remember, just because you listen to their stories, doesn't mean you have to buy them.
If you were in a fire or in another emergency, would you freeze with fear? Or would you do what was required to keep everyone safe?
Would you lock yourself down in a panic of tears, waiting for someone to rescue you, hoping they'll be in time? Or would you unleash your own superhero reserves of energy, strength and resilience, sweeping up small children, grandmas and everyone else, carrying them down five flights beyond the flames to safety, in your underwear without fuss?
When you were little, was climbing trees scary or exciting? Was your mum's point of view "Aaagh!!! Get down from there!! Wait!!! I'm coming to help you!'"? And what about now? What do you think you're afraid of? Are you still waiting for your mum to save you?
If you're confused or not sure about what's going on when you have this sensation, ask yourself "Is this fear, or excitement?"
Perhaps you're not afraid, simply excited about a new challenge? And if so, how easily could you help save yourself and others from the fire?
Do you ever feel heat in your chest or pressure on your temples when someone says or does something you don't like? Do you find you can't think clearly, that you get angry or distracted from what you'd really like to do?
If you'd like to be free from the control and distraction of such uncomfortable physical sensations, recognise them as a sign you are in judgement. Then you can shift gear into allowance.
What is allowance? Allowance is where everything is just an interesting point of view and you have total freedom of choice.
Judgement limits you to what you have decided (or someone has told you) is right/wrong, good/bad. It's like being on an automatic pushbutton system of resist/react or agree/align, where you have no freedom of choice.
So next time you have a physical reaction to someone, ask “Am I in allowance or judgement?”
If you find you're in judgement, say “Interesting point of view I have that point of view” and expand outwards and remind yourself “What if I had infinite, free choice?” Depending on what's going on, you might need to repeat this several godzillian times until the heat dissipates.
What if being free from judgement allowed you to create the change you'd really like to see?
How often do you get stuck in a no-win fight? Do you enjoy it when other people won't listen to your opinion and only want you to see theirs?
How much stress, anxiety and worry do you suffer from trying to prove who's right and who's wrong about something?
Does this help your work or business? Do fights create, or use your time and money? What does stress, anxiety and worry do to your body and health?
Would you prefer to create greater ease in life for you and your body? Then practice these magic words “interesting point of view” every time you find yourself having a difference of opinion with someone.
You're not saying anyone is right or wrong. You're acknowledging everyone has a right to their own (perhaps insane) point of view, including you.
Say it lightly, smile and move on, for example “Yes, I see, thank you. That's a really interesting point of view. I wonder what would be the most rewarding outcome for our business/relationship/health/life right now? What else could we look at?”
This invites in new ideas and information that you might both find interesting.
Are you ever confronted with things that don't make sense, or by people who seem to be living in a parallel reality?
Does it stress you out, or make you sick from worry? How angry, upset, or hurt do you get?
Do you know everything about everything in the universe? Probably not (yet at least). So rather than causing yourself discomfort, damage, or dis-ease, next time when you're confronted by someone or something that does not fit within your view of the world, ask "What is this teaching me?"
Then ask questions and find out more about it.
You may end up holding the same point of view you had before. Or you may change your point of view to match theirs. Or you may change your point of view in a completely different way.
Whatever the outcome, your questions will create new possibilities and expand your awareness.
How much are you driven by having a 'true purpose'? A lot or a little?
Do you consider that you'll be happy or valued when you find it? Are all your questions always centred around it? Do you narrow your choices to fit within the purpose you've decided is right?
If so, ask yourself "What if having a 'true purpose' was a limitation?"
How free are your choices and possibilities when you decide you have a 'purpose'?
What if instead you had a priority? Does this feel lighter? Do you sense more choice and possibility?
An infinite being would choose limitation for what reason?
How often do you find yourself in a no-win argument or heated discussion? You've got all the facts at your finger tips, but others are simply not listening.
Or perhaps you're finding that other people always seem to be talking down to you, explaining and pontificating to you about things, as if you have no idea?
If you do and would like to change this, ask yourself "Am I dumber than dirt?"
Dirt knows what it is; do you? Dirt doesn't have to prove how smart it is.
What could you create if you weren't fixated on proving yourself to someone who simply doesn't care?
How much of your day do you spend judging things? Never, sometimes or constantly?
What's judgement? Any point of view you have about something being good/bad or right/wrong is a judgement. You know, when you think "Oh, that's no good" or "If only people would think/do this instead?" Or whenever someone else says something and you agree and align, or resist and reaction, you are in judgement.
There is nothing wrong with judging things, if that's fun for you. Be aware, however, that judging will only serve to distract you from being present in every moment and so limit your possibilities.
If you'd like to find out what is possible beyond the limitation of judgement, ask yourself "What if I judged nothing?" Nothing includes you and everyone else.
Then no matter what you or anyone else does, says, or thinks, smile and say to yourself "Interesting point of view" in total allowance.
After a while, you will become interesting point of view where you can see all possibilities, receive everything, and create the life you desire, free from the polarity of judgement.
How? Follow the energy, choose, notice what you create/shows up, then choose again. Repeat.
How many people do you meet who have such fixed points of view that they are never able to see beyond what they have decided is true, even when it smacks them in the face?
If you'd like someone to see beyond their self-imposed limitations, ask yourself "What wedgie could I ask?" A wedgie is a question that creates discomfort in someone's universe and is designed to get the other person to ask a question.
For example, when you notice someone has fixed points of view about something, instead of being triggered, trying to prove, or defending your own points of view by giving them too much information, make them uncomfortable by asking a wedgie.
For example, in total allowance say "Interesting. What if everything was the opposite of what it appears to be?" or "What if there was something about that situation that is a lie?"
Then stop talking. Sometimes you'll even need to let them sit with your question for weeks, until the discomfort becomes unbearable and they have to return and ask a question.
Questions create possibilities and now you have a tiny space to invite them to see different realities. Be gentle. Listen to them in total allowance and ask them lots more questions.
Have you ever had someone judge you for doing something — that you knew was not true — and wondered if they were actually talking about what they were doing? For example, when a partner accuses you of cheating on them (and you know you're not), did it occur to you that they might be doing the cheating?
Did you know that people will accuse you of the things they're doing, or about to do, so you won't see what's actually going on? Instead of seeing the truth about what's going on (which is usually quite obvious), you'll be distracted by compulsion to fight and defend yourself, or you'll slink away feeling bad and wrong about yourself.
When this happens, do you get angry? Anger in these circumstances can indicate a lie: the lie the other person is telling.
So, if you'd like to stay aware of what is going on and extract yourself from someone's control, ask yourself "Does this anger indicate a lie?" If you sense it does, all you need to do is to notice your anger, recognise the accusation is a lie, don't buy it as real, and you won't be impacted by it.
Be in allowance of them and you. Don't defend or judge it because if you align and agree, or resist and react, you are buying it as true. Instead ask questions. "What is this? Would I like to change it? Can I change it? If so how? You may not have to do anything. You may simply have to acknowledge it to change it.
And, if you'd like to have some fun and get yourself off auto-pilot. play this game in your head. Whenever someone says "You are mean" tell yourself "Aaah, they're telling me they are mean" or when someone says "You judge me all the time" tell yourself "Aaah, they are telling me they judge themselves/me all the time" And so on. Play with it. At worst it might just keep you distracted from being distracted.
What do you do when you're full of energy and ideas, seeking to create wonderful new things?
Do you stay focused on your target? Or are you distracted by the myriad of things you've decided could go 'wrong' and all the people who you know will try and bring you down?
Do you experience any physical sensations of dis-ease, in your stomach, head, neck, chest, or anywhere else?
If you sense you're being sucked into the vortex of distraction, ask "What will it take for me to be ease?"
When you're at ease, you function from elegance: creating the greatest amount with the least effort by following the energy of what's light for you and considering nothing 'wrong,' simply right things you don't yet get.
Do you strive for completion? Do you value having goals and focus your energy on achieving those? How do you feel when either you reach, or don't reach your goal? Does procrastination distract you along the way? Is the process fun?
If striving for completion does not give you the sense of fulfilment and satisfaction you were hoping for, and procrastination distracts you, ask "Having done this, what can I create from here?"
What if nothing was ever a completion? What if you considered your work, business and your life in general an ongoing creation, of which you were fully present and created elegantly and joyfully?
Elegance is the greatest result with the least effort. You create elegance when you are fully present and choose consciously and continuously. And procrastination? This often occurs when you have concluded something is a necessity, ignoring your awareness and without asking a question.
What if it were all just choice?
Have you ever tried to change something in your life continually, but to no effect even though you've asked a thousand genuine questions?
For example, has someone ever told you that you weren't good enough and you should try even harder? Or that something about you was not appropriate and you had to overcome it? Perhaps you're too vocal, disruptive, creative, poor, uneducated, powerless, unattractive, or have some other failing?
What if in fact, there was nothing wrong with you? What if you have been buying into a lie that someone else wanted to you to believe?
Is it possible to overcome, change or clear something that doesn't exist? What would you do if someone told you you were a rabbit? Would you believe them and work feverishly to change out of being a rabbit? Or would you say "Um, huh?" I'm not a rabbit. I'm me!" and get on with enjoying your life?
So if you'd like to create greater ease around things you have assumed were 'wrong' about you, and that you should change but so far haven't been able to, ask "What am I trying to clear that isn't true?"
If something's not true to start with, how can you clear it? Simply recognise the lie and it can no longer exist.
Think of one thing you'd really like to be, do, have in life today. Got it?
Now think of all those reason and justifications why you don't be, do, have it today. Got them?
What were they? You can't take the day off work? You don't have the money? You don't have anyone to help you? You've got too much else to do? You're not ready? You're not good enough? You'd be letting other people down? What would people think?
Are these really what stand in your way? Or is it your point of view about these things? What would happen if you changed your point of view?
If you'd like to create more possibility in your life, and less of the "I can't because..." ask yourself "Who or what is limiting me today?" and "What else would be possible if I changed my point of view?"
Who is the one who limits you really?
How often have you said "If only I had the money?"
Right now, ask yourself "What am I saying 'If only I had the money' about?" Would you buy something? Travel somewhere? Take a break? Study something? Move house? Change jobs? Make new friends? Have children? Feel less stressed? Be happier? Save the world?
Do you consider that money is the solution to your situation, problems, dissatisfaction, unhappiness in life?
Is it really? If money were the solution, then how is it that rich people have all the same complaints, problems, dissatisfaction and unhappiness in their lives as you?
If you'd like to free yourself from this distraction, ask "What if money weren't the solution?"
Once you free your attention from money, ask "What could I be, do, have, create differently that would contribute to the life I'd really like?"
What if YOU were always the solution, and just hadn't realised it?
How much of the Silly Season do you spend listening to people tell you directly, or indirectly how much rubbish you are?
Is that fun? Is it true? If not and you'd like something different, play this game. Whenever you sense someone is looking to criticise, hurt, insult, or provoke you, smile, nod gently and — without heat — reply "Hmm, really interesting point of view."
You are acknowledging their viewpoint and allowing them to enjoy it. You're not agreeing they're right, and you're not being distracted by falling into an angry, emotional reaction (which is usually what they really want so they can control you).
If you need to pull the heat out of an interest onslaught, tell them "You're right. I'm wrong" three times.
Our addiction to right and wrong, good and bad is one of the strongest we have. These two magic phrases will invite the energy of allowance into any Silly Season.
Just think, if everyone were in allowance, would family feuds, neighbouring conflicts, or even global wars, topple over like dominos?
Do you have events that you go over and over in your mind? Things at work, school, with your family or friends? Do you tell them again and again to anyone who'll listen?
What is it about those events that makes you retell them? Do they make you feel good and help you move on? Do they make people take notice of you, or feel sympathy for you?
When you tell your stories, does it invite new events, people and possibilities into your life? Or does it focus all your interest, energy and talents on the limitations of your story? Has your story become a justification about why you can't do something?
To clarify what lies behind your stories, ask yourself "What's the value of my story?" and notice what comes to mind. If your stories don't add the value you'd like, just notice it with "hmmm, interesting." Then find something else to talk about.
If someone you know is telling you the same story again and again, you can choose to listen politely, avoid them, or smile and say "Wow, that's a great story. You really tell it well each time I hear it. Got any others?"
How often do you say 'because' every day? For example: I can't come tonight because [I have to work late]; I have to work late because [it's a job and better than nothing]; I'd love to do something else more fun for work, but I can't because [add your reason here].
Are the things you say after 'because' real? Or are they simply all your reasons and justifications for not doing something? When you really want something, do you find a way to create it, no matter what it takes?
If you'd like to create more of what you'd really like in life, notice every time you say 'because' and ask "What's possible that I haven't considered?"
You're not wrong when you say 'because.' If fact, you're absolutely right and that's what you'll create.
If you'd like something more than you currently have, questions will open your eyes and show you what else is possible. Then you can create it, if you choose.
Do you find yourself doing things you'd rather not? Sometimes even doing things you know are not good for you?
Do you do them because you've been told that not to do them would be shameful, that you'd be guilty of causing harm to others, or that you'd regret not doing them?
Are shame, guilt, and regret real and true? Or are they simply interesting points of view based on someone's view of right and wrong? Words designed to control you and coerce you into doing what other people want, while distracting you from creating the life you'd really like?
Other people will always try to get you to do stuff their way, using words to trick you into believing it's good for you.
If you'd like to be free from the control of distractors like this, ask "Is the thought of shame, guilt or regret distracting me from creating the life I'd truly like?" Then see how light you feel.
You may end up choosing to do exactly the same thing, but not because someone tricked you into it. It will be your free and conscious choice.
Has anyone ever been angry with you to try and distract you from seeing what was true, either so you wouldn't see it, or so they didn't have to look at it?
For example, when you question someone because you sense they were lying. Did they get angry or indignant and say things like "I can't believe you are questioning me?!" Did that make you angry?
Do you get angry when people say things about you that aren't true?
One useful thing to know about angry is that it can indicate a lie. So next time you feel anger rising, ask yourself "Is there a lie spoken or unspoken here?" You will know. And if you'd like more clarity, stop and ask the other person "What do you mean by that?" Then listen.
Asking questions in the face of anger will move you from the auto-response of reaction, to the freedom of action, so you can create what you'd really prefer.
Do you encounter many angry people in your life?
When people do anger, are they ever really interested in hearing your point of view? Or is their main focus getting a reaction out of you? Are they interested in you being free to say and do what you prefer? Or are they looking to control you?
You know the exact moment your buttons are pushed and you become trapped in emotional reaction. Would you like to be free of that auto-response? If so, next time someone does anger at you, be Cute Not Bright. Stop and ask them "OK, what do you mean by that?" and listen.
Keep asking the same question and listen until the anger has gone.
Anger is a distractor people will use against you to see how you'll react, so they can find a way to gain control over you. Acknowledging the other person like this will take you out of reaction, and into action and enable you to create the life you'd really like.
What makes you angry? Injustice? War? Poverty? Evil? Your partner coming home late from work every night? Your boss or co-workers being stupid and lazy? Your family not being willing to see your point of view about how to make the world a better place? What else?
I'm guessing you'd like to change these things for the better, and you become angry out of frustration, because you think you're supposed to be angry, or from the belief that anger will somehow create the changes you'd like?
Will it? Probably not. Two things that anger will create are: stress and toxicity in your body; and resistance and reaction in other people.
Will either of these things help you make the changes you'd like? No. They might even make it harder.
If you'd like to be free from anger's control, to create what you'd really like, ask "What will anger contribute here?" and then "What else is possible to create the changes I'd like to see?"
What if you could see anger for what it is: a distraction?
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