How often do you say 'because' every day? For example: I can't come tonight because [I have to work late]; I have to work late because [it's a job and better than nothing]; I'd love to do something else more fun for work, but I can't because [add your reason here].
Are the things you say after 'because' real? Or are they simply all your reasons and justifications for not doing something? When you really want something, do you find a way to create it, no matter what it takes?
If you'd like to create more of what you'd really like in life, notice every time you say 'because' and ask "What's possible that I haven't considered?"
You're not wrong when you say 'because.' If fact, you're absolutely right and that's what you'll create.
If you'd like something more than you currently have, questions will open your eyes and show you what else is possible. Then you can create it, if you choose.
Do you find yourself doing things you'd rather not? Sometimes even doing things you know are not good for you?
Do you do them because you've been told that not to do them would be shameful, that you'd be guilty of causing harm to others, or that you'd regret not doing them?
Are shame, guilt, and regret real and true? Or are they simply interesting points of view based on someone's view of right and wrong? Words designed to control you and coerce you into doing what other people want, while distracting you from creating the life you'd really like?
Other people will always try to get you to do stuff their way, using words to trick you into believing it's good for you.
If you'd like to be free from the control of distractors like this, ask "Is the thought of shame, guilt or regret distracting me from creating the life I'd truly like?" Then see how light you feel.
You may end up choosing to do exactly the same thing, but not because someone tricked you into it. It will be your free and conscious choice.
Has anyone ever been angry with you to try and distract you from seeing what was true, either so you wouldn't see it, or so they didn't have to look at it?
For example, when you question someone because you sense they were lying. Did they get angry or indignant and say things like "I can't believe you are questioning me?!" Did that make you angry?
Do you get angry when people say things about you that aren't true?
One useful thing to know about angry is that it can indicate a lie. So next time you feel anger rising, ask yourself "Is there a lie spoken or unspoken here?" You will know. And if you'd like more clarity, stop and ask the other person "What do you mean by that?" Then listen.
Asking questions in the face of anger will move you from the auto-response of reaction, to the freedom of action, so you can create what you'd really prefer.
Do you encounter many angry people in your life?
When people do anger, are they ever really interested in hearing your point of view? Or is their main focus getting a reaction out of you? Are they interested in you being free to say and do what you prefer? Or are they looking to control you?
You know the exact moment your buttons are pushed and you become trapped in emotional reaction. Would you like to be free of that auto-response? If so, next time someone does anger at you, be Cute Not Bright. Stop and ask them "OK, what do you mean by that?" and listen.
Keep asking the same question and listen until the anger has gone.
Anger is a distractor people will use against you to see how you'll react, so they can find a way to gain control over you. Acknowledging the other person like this will take you out of reaction, and into action and enable you to create the life you'd really like.
What makes you angry? Injustice? War? Poverty? Evil? Your partner coming home late from work every night? Your boss or co-workers being stupid and lazy? Your family not being willing to see your point of view about how to make the world a better place? What else?
I'm guessing you'd like to change these things for the better, and you become angry out of frustration, because you think you're supposed to be angry, or from the belief that anger will somehow create the changes you'd like?
Will it? Probably not. Two things that anger will create are: stress and toxicity in your body; and resistance and reaction in other people.
Will either of these things help you make the changes you'd like? No. They might even make it harder.
If you'd like to be free from anger's control, to create what you'd really like, ask "What will anger contribute here?" and then "What else is possible to create the changes I'd like to see?"
What if you could see anger for what it is: a distraction?
How often do you get angry? What makes you angry? How quickly does your anger come to the surface?
Do you think it's wrong? Does the anger envelope you in layers you can't escape? Does it distract you from creating the life you'd like?
Rather than considering the anger in itself wrong, what if you asked a question to get clear on what it truly is? For example
- Heated Anger can indicate where you are in judgement, rather than interesting point of view
- Explosive Anger can show you where you've been suppressing yourself, or
- Rising Anger may indicate someone is lying to you.
So next time you sense anger on its way, ask yourself "What is this anger?" Then notice what shows up and acknowledge it, breath and ask "What would I like to create?"
In doing so you'll be free to choose for you, rather than be in reaction.
Of course you can aways play with Potent Anger, which is where you choose to get your point across. Think of this anger as the power you use to stop people blindly walking across the road in front of a truck.
How many times a day do you hear yourself saying "I'd like to be/ do/ have X but I can't/ shouldn't/ because of X? Once, 10, 100 times a day?
Sure you're clever. You've analyzed the thing from all angles and worked out exactly why you can't/ shouldn't. And you're not wrong. When you decide something is not possible, you're absolutely right. It's not.
Would you like more possibility in life? Would you like to be/ do/ have all those things you've decided are not possible?
If so, ask "What if I stopped being my greatest limitation and started living?"
Think of this as a gentle slap on the cheek to remind you all things are possible. Then ask another question, or six hundred, and create your life as you'd really like.
When things don't work out the way you'd like, what do you do? Do you ask "What's right about this that I'm not getting?" What else is possible?" "Cute, not bright!" and "How does it get any better than this?"
Or do you try to find someone or something to blame? Do others blame you when things don't go right for them?
Blame means to find fault with, to hold responsible for, or to condemn as wrong.
Is blame real and true? Or is it an interesting point of view based on someone's view of right and wrong?
When you buy into the idea that "someone must take the blame" how much trauma and drama comes your way? How much energy do you spend excusing, defending or deflecting the blame? Is that fun?
If not, and you'd like to be free from the control of distractors like this, ask "Is this blame distracting me from creating the life I'd truly like?"
If you have something in your life you've been trying to change continually to no effect, ask "What do I love about this?"
How willing are you to change or let go of things you love? Not much? Not at all?
Are you ever distracted by a fear that you will never have it again (for example, a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all)?
When something is not working for you, first get clear on what parts of it you love.
Then you can ask other questions like "What would it take for me to find something else that would be an even greater contribution to my life?" and "What would it take for the parts of this that are not working for me, to change into something greater than I could imagine?"
When you become clear what you love about something -- and are willing to let it go, or demand that it change -- you will no longer be weighed down by it.
Instead, you will have the freedom to choose it, or not choose it. The reality is, you always have choice.
Do you find you other people are always telling you what to do, things that you'd rather not do, and convince you to give up the things you prefer?
Other people will always try to get you to do things, using obligation and guilt to control you. Why? It makes their lives easier, and you usually do what they tell you to, so why not?
Listening to other people's points of view can be useful. You can learn a great deal. And did you know that when you don't feel light and wonderful about a request or demand, you don't have to do it?
Next time someone asks/tells you to do something, ask yourself "Does this work for me?" If you feel a heaviness, smile and with a light, joyful energy say “Thank you so much for thinking of me! I'm sorry. That doesn't work for me right now.”
Then smile again and change the subject. You are stating a fact about which no one can argue. Don't offer a reason or excuse; these only allow the conversation to continue.
If people push you, smile again and say “I'm sorry it doesn't work for me. It's an interesting idea and I'm sure other people will be keen." And if that still doesn't work, smile and walk away/hang up/delete/block/ whatever it takes until your lightness returns.
Do you like helping people? Is is important to you? What is it about helping people you enjoy? Do you feel worthy? Does it make you feel valued and valuable? Do you want to save them from something?
What don't you enjoy? Are you frustrated when you give your best to someone but they don't seem to want it or appreciate it? Are you shocked or saddened when friends and family get angry or upset at you when you're simply trying to help them?
Do you find that no matter how much you help people, some simply never seem to change?
There is nothing wrong with wanting to help people. It's awesome. Empowering people to know they can change anything in their lives is a gift.
Just know that even when you do your best, people will choose what they choose, and it's got nothing to do with you.
People choose what they do because somewhere, somehow, they like it.
If you'd like to get clear about why and how you can help people with greater ease ask “What's the value of helping people?”
What if rather than being distracted by trying to help people who simply don't want your help, you asked "What other action could I take to create the changes I'd like?"
How much do you put off doing? How much do you not do all because you think you won't succeed? How often do you end up doing something less than you'd like as a result?
What do hesitation and fear contribute to your life? Is there any value in having them?
Or are they simply distractors that keep you from creating what you'd truly like?
If you'd like to be free from their control to create the relationships, work, business, life and change you'd really like, ask “What would I do if I knew I couldn't fail?”
This will clear such distractors so you see what you'd really like to choose. Then ask "What action can I take?"
Are you willing to have that much freedom?
Do you know people who sometimes say or do not-so-nice things. Maybe you have some in your social media comments feed right now?
Does this upset you and leave you scratching your head, wondering why they would do or say that? Does it distract you from what you'd rather be doing?
Are they an ELF or a rattlesnake? An ELF is an evil little freak (or other word starting with F) who simply enjoys being mean for fun. A rattlesnake is designed by nature to bite you when it feels threatened. That's just what they are.
When you make them wrong and get sucked into the trauma and drama of what they do, they are controlling your life.
As long as you see them for what they are, in total allowance, you are empowered. Total allowance means you appreciate them as an ELF or rattlesnake. That's just who they are. Then you are free to enjoy their great parts.
So when people like this show up in your life, ask (silently) “Truth, is this an ELF or a rattlesnake?”
This will remind you that no matter what they say or do, it has nothing to do with you, and you don't need to buy it as real.
And remember, you when you recognise them, you can also choose to smile and walk away/hang up/delete/remove them from your life.
Some people love to fight. Do you?
Some will fight to the death to prove the rightness of their point of view. Some just like to fight for the fun of it. In either case, will anything you say or do change their mind and stop the fight?
Do you ever see the insanity of an argument and try to stop it or change it with well considered and logical arguments? Does it ever work? Or do you get more frustrated, tangled and drawn into the fight?
If you don't enjoy arguing and would like to move beyond the fight to new possibilities, ask yourself "Is this fight a distraction?" then smile and say “You're right, I'm wrong” three times.
You're not agreeing the other person is right. You're acknowledging their right to their point of view, and you are being in allowance of them not seeing yours.
The words are easy. The energy behind the words might take practice. Saying these words sarcastically or angrily will not work. Your energy must be of complete allowance.
Will they work? Next time someone wants a fight, use them and see. And remember, you can always be grateful for their anger and choose something else.
Has someone been angry with you recently? Call you names for something you said or did?
How did you react? Did you start thinking you were stupid or wrong? Or perhaps you responded with your own anger?
Did any of that work out for you? If not, ask "What about this anger am I grateful for?"
There is always something. For example, what was their anger was trying to do? Control you? Distract you from something? Shut you down? Or maybe it was a mechanism for distracting them from something going on in their world and really had nothing to do with you?
Once you become aware of someone's anger, you can choose to keep it in your life or not. If you would like them in your life you can say "This anger doesn't work for me. Does it work for you? Would you like to change it?"
If they say yes, great, there is an invitation for change. If no, then at least you know and you get to choose for you. If you prefer not to have them in your life, genuinely thank them for their interesting point of view, smile and walk away/hang up/delete/remove them from your contact list.
This question will help you step out of the autopilot of reacting to anger, which will only serve to distract you from creating the life you'd really like.
If you were in a fire or in another emergency – like, I don't know, a pandemic – would you freeze with fear? Or would you do what was required to keep you and yours safe?
Would you lockdown yourself down in a panic with tears, waiting for the authorities to rescue you (fingers crossed they'll be in time)? Or would you find your own superhero reserves of energy, strength and resilience to sweep up everyone from small children to grandmas and carry them down five flights of stairs beyond the flames to safety, without a fuss in your underwear no matter who was laughing?
What are you doing right now? Got your head under the pillow waiting for a knight in shining armour? Or are you looking at all your options, doing your research, finding and listening to experts in their field, considering strategies to create your future, and following what feels light for you?
When you were little, was climbing trees scary or exciting? What was your mum's point of view (aaah!!! get down from there!! Wait!!! I'm coming to help you!)?
And what about now? What do you think you're afraid of? Are you still listening to your mum?
What if you have misidentified this sensation? To find out, ask "Is this fear, or excitement?"
Is your sense actually the excitement of a challenge? What if you recognised this distraction? Could you help save someone from a fire?
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